And just so you know- You have no idea.

I may have lost my way now, But i havent forgotten my way home

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:06:30 GMT

Hmm... I rediscovered this thing and realized it may be just the "thing" i need this break to relax and resettle my life. Idk if anyone reads this or if anyone will actually care to read this, but i dont care. I am writing to see what comes out...Here it goes

I cherish the feeling i get inside my stomach when a college break comes closer. Idk what exactly it is about home that i value so much, but the anticipation to go home brings about a type of anxiety so precious and so tense that it consumes my head, my heart, my happiness. One thing i like about home is it is consistant. You know what your going to get you know what you are going to see. My life at school is the opposite from consistant. I have tangled myself around so many projects so many responsibilities that i have negative time to breathe. I am not complaining because i love all the opportunities that have come my way and even the obstalces that have made me who i am, but sometimes i wish i had time to correct myself. I am finally able to see some of my flaws as an individual but i find i have no time to fix it. Its hard to understand but i have arranged my life in a way that allows me to have no time to pause and ask myself if i am unhappy or if i am sleep deprived or if i could use a pat on the back... whatever this is not the point of where i am going

Since my first visit home after my first few weeks of college summer B, i realized while alot of things at home stay the same--one thing that will ALWAYS change are the people. The relationships i had with my high school friends created memories and standards i test all my new college friends by... Most hardly live up to it. I miss those relationships and those people. I feel like everyone has gone their own way, found their niche--formed new relationships, tied themselves up with boyfriends or girlfriends and forgot about theirrr friends or simply just are uninterested. I love coming home and i love seeing these people because its one way i can once again relax and go back to being the kind of person i was before i entered such a busy and complex life of college. I want more than anything for the people i care most about from high school to be locked in a room for 24 hours, just us-- no b/fs no g/fs no cell phones-- just us, because being together to me is the epitome of perfection the ideal of all ideal good times. I just wish youuuuu felt the same.

Im sure alot of my high school friends think i have become a different person, probably a monster thats so consumed in a world that makes no sense to them. Maybe they feel i dont care about them anymore, that they are secondary, that they cant turn to me. They are absoultly wrong.

So thats it for now, thats whats on my mind. Maybe ill write stuff later--maybe it will make sense and maybe it just wont (like im sure all this does not). Whatever the case, this will be my place for "WISHFULL THINKING".

..... i like ?

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 01:29:05 GMT

I like the air conditioning on 68 degrees
I like meeting new people and really feeling connected to them fast
I like the sound of concerts when they are being set up
I like the feeling of the thirty seconds of tension before you know someone is going in for a kiss
I like running away from everything and driving 200 miles home
I like sun tans
I like feeling on top of the world during english lit theory class
I like having no idea if you are going to text me to tell me you like me
I like re-connecting with old high school friends you never thought you could get back in touch with
I like ice cream with sprinkles
..........................

I have decided to eliminate things and people who i just dont like. This past weeek has been incredbily busy, kind of depressing, but because i saw a list of good in that bad, i survived. Yes my heart has been slowly breaking but i have foudn people and things that by doing things they have no idea they are doing, will help mend it.

I think i met someone i may actually like. Of course i am still unsure if he is the one i want to commit to, but i promise myself for everything inside of me and everything i am worth- i will not mess this one up. Or atleast i will try the hardest i can to not. We shall see. But as for n0w- that positive lust energy floating in my worl helps carry the unknown and the craziness on my shoulders.

four times is a charm.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 04:31:59 GMT

I have had my heart broken four times in the past week. The last time is the most significant because it had to do with trying really hard for once to let myself go and try to have a relationship, thank god i was not the one who ruined things this time. I guess that it has taken me so long to finally be ready, that maybe the world is not ready. Who knows, im so hurt i cant even cry, i just laugh. Alot. And people think it cause i think my life and everything is a joke, but its just that im so upset and heartbroken all i can do is laugh. I never really used to give people seconed chances but i think ive become so hurt by friends, boys, and even random people that i really wanted to become a part of my life, that i may be willing to just forgive and really just forget. Its selfish becuase im only being this way because i dont want to feel liek shit anymore. I want things to be okay and people who i really really want in my life to be in my life. Theres so many things i really would love to say to people but i just wont becuase i dont want to create ww3 or even worse loose them more then i already have. I have learned pretending not to care only makes the fire in my soul burn more and only really burn me. I have learned that letting things go really only makes my stomach turn to knots and make me loose my sense of appitiete. I really dont know why i cant just say goodbye to all of these people. I feel like they wouldnt even care. They really probably would not.

Settle down

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 03:33:16 GMT

You know how people always say when you go back and forth between the heat and the cold air you can get sick. That is why i am sick. Its taken such a toll on my body and my heart going back and forth all summer to my home in boca and then back to orlando. The two lives i live are so completely oppoisit that i feel like i become two different people in two different worlds. And becuase of this i have become worn down and broken hearted. What a god awful feeling.

I was never the kind of person to find change comforting or fun in any sort of way. It used to be my biggest fear until i came face to face with the evil commitment and my fear priority kind of changed.

I feel like im in purgatory because in all honesty life is neither good nor bad, its just life. I think that okay. Thank god for my sisters who today have saved me from severe depression. I learned just being around people who care about u even slightly can take ur mind off things, and today i needed that.

I had an anxiety attack when my dad n bro left today, i think i was just scared to be on my own and handle the weight of reality on my two shoulders and have no one to catch me. I guess this too will make me a stronger person.

Very soon will life return to stable, after spirit week-rush-and getting a home

Home[LESS]

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 21:04:53 GMT

People say exercise releases endorphins. To me writing does. And i am in desperate need of endorphins or some kind of mood lifting drug. Laugh-out-loud.

So, life in a nut shell is very out of my hands these days. I feel like my biggest fears and dislikes are becoming my only fast-pass to comfort. Im homeless as of 12 oclock this afternoon. Its awful. Becuase i really wanted to take a nap kind of have some time alone and i realized i really dont have that option in my life for atleast another week and one day. I know it sounds like im bitching, and for those who have never been in my position i agree this does sound like boca-bitching, but it honestly is rather terrifying not having a home-- or atleast one thats closer than three hours away. I am currently moving into my brothers friends place which is really nice and has saved me from a lot of trouble of finding and searching for another place to stay. But making this temporary roof over my head and blow up bed my home will take a lot of work and mostly courage. More than anything i hate relying on people and this is truly making me feel like im placing a huge burden on the shoulders of this kid i hardly know. Because of this i will live the next week and a day with a constant knot in my stomach and a frequent out of control heart beat. I suppose i will survive. As for friends, this summer has taught me that friend relationships are soo awesome but under absolutly no circumstance should u risk giving ur heart to a friendship, becuase like guys- friends end up breaking it. Im just terrbibly awfully sick of putting my heart and soul into friendships and then them failing on me. Regardless of whose fault it is, it just sucks. It makes me upset every single day when i think about the people that i am no longer close with and the ruined relationships that mean less to people than the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. I just wish i keep the promise to myself that i will have fun with my friends, be there for them, but really expect nothing. Not even failure, i just wont give my heart to them. I have never felt more alone in my life. And ive come to think the only way to stop feeling alone is to get a boyfriend. It seems like that cures a lot of lonlieness in other girls i know lives, so maybe ill let it cure mine. I have lost alot of friends lately to their boyfriends and while although im so happy for them, i really am, it sucks. If i ever get a boyfriend i hope i dont become like that and loose my friendships like people discard pennys and loose change. Because its not worth it and it sucks. I just promise myself that throughout this rather difficult few weeks im going to go through i wont be negative. Ill take the worst and make it alright in my mind, it will keep me sane. And ill limit the crying to no more than one time a day, becuase thats all i can handle.

hard

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 01:09:52 GMT

I cant take it anymore
This is not who i am
This is not what i wanted.

I let you slip through my fingers
What was i thinking
why didnt i stop you

and i can hardly breathe
because im left alone in the end
and trust me,
its hard enough
without you telling me how hard it is

sick jen

Fri, 25 May 2007 05:29:31 GMT

im sick of this shit i pull with people
sooooooooooooooooooooo sick of it.

sherwood

Mon, 14 May 2007 02:01:44 GMT

When your lonely, you sink to new levels.
for instance, you crave things that when your in a different mind state would simply turn your head towards. The real challenge when your faced with the awful feeling of lonlieness is not to find something that makes you feel complete, but to try, and i mean try hard to fight that urge to do those things or even do those people you know mean nothing to you, but are quick and easy fixes to a feeling you try to avoid.

Nah, im not strong enough to say no to you- but i secretly wish i could cause you dont really mean a whole lot 2 me.

sit here.

Sat, 12 May 2007 16:23:16 GMT

Funny how is takes a year to realize you were completely wrong, had absoulty no clue when you swore you did, and wish if anything not to go back to that minute, that second, but to sit here beside someone who understands how that moment just seemed to slip off your fingertips.

deal or no deal

Sat, 12 May 2007 06:23:12 GMT

it happens to the best of us
that time in our lives where we just loose control of things we never really had control of to begin with.
and at first, its sad because we wonder how and when we started to really get so lost. Or we contemplate who or what started this journey in a direction we never desired to come across. That feeling of emptiness, desperation, and the bitter sweet feeling of lonliness begins to consume our every thought, every action, every motive. And i wish i had a solution to this awful plague that seems to strike our lives at times we desperatly wish lifes ways could spare us, but theres no easy soultion. Maybe the easiest way to deal, is to just deal.

makes no sense, just scary

Speak for yourself

Tue, 08 May 2007 20:54:43 GMT

This is a side effect of desperation
Join my club, its all or none
Its love or its not even close enough
To become a close call
And this is a side effect of lonesomeness
Take it or leave it, I can run in the opposite
Direction far far darling far away
Don’t even try to stop
IT'S OKAY BY ME, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO
Cancel out those broken hearted promises
That never meant the world to the only person
Who meant the world to me.
Cross off those check marks, baby
Cause you can never be too sure
Of what’s good and what’s great
When life’s more then what you know
-me

and so it is

Fri, 04 May 2007 01:18:48 GMT

Dont try to swallow your history
And dont try to bite your tounge
When the things you desperatly wish you could forget
Get tangled into your taste buds and eventually drip out of your mouth

i t i s

Wed, 02 May 2007 23:50:15 GMT

Its not indifference, its frustration, its knowing im wrong, its wondering how to be right, its overhwelming, its unfair, its change, its life.

Having some cake, and eating it tooo.

Wed, 02 May 2007 02:33:50 GMT

So, to all those people out there eager to refute the cliche, about having your cake and eating it too, i would just like to say GOOD LUCK. Bring a box of tissues with you, a good pillow, and an even better support system for yourself if and when you and your life comes crumbling down.

I am nervous, for a lot of reasons. Some way more important than others, but it seems the ones i care about the most are the ones that 2 the world dont even mean a thing. My soul wont be at ease, nor be able to calm down unless i battle the small things that are bothering me before worrying about how to fix the large life changing things.

I would just like to say, that i have never felt so not at home in my life. My house is the only place in Boca that still feels like its mine. I feel like my friends here are not even here, and if they are they just dont feel like they are mine anymore. There are so many people i wish i could just see and pretend like we were who and where we were a year ago. So unrealistic, but so wanted. :( Home is not just where your heart is, its where other hearts are there to warm your heart and make you feel like your at the home you had soo many memories at with soo much life. Thats home to me, and i wish i could say i felt like that here today.

sighhhhhers x 19

perfectly wrong

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 04:42:38 GMT

What is perfect? Is it when we look at something and proclaim it to be everything we want, everything we wished we had, everything we just quite are not. I feel like when people label things as perfect, they are just saying wow- that worked out well- it worked out safetly. When we take a chance at something, try our hardest, and fail, its not looked @ as perfect but as a screw up that you desperatly wish could turn out another way. Perfect is just another word for everything you really want.

On another note, i finally think i understand religion a little more. I understand why people desperatly need it in their life. When things are out of your hands and make you so upset, some people turn to prayer- it helps tell them that indeed things will be okay, even if at the moment they dont look okay. Its not so much a crutch for the weak, its a way of life that allows you to get strength in the form of hope.

girls girls girls

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 23:44:15 GMT

LIVE AND LET LIVE.
id like it if people stoped wasting their time trying to figure out and judge and critize other people, and spent more time figuring out and judgeing and critizing themselves.

Im jealous of your girlfriend

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:58:01 GMT

okay so heres what i have learned.
in order to fix your problems you have in your life
you need to start out slow
and by slow i mean you need to watch yourself make alot of mistakes
mistakes that not only hurt you sometimes, but the people around you
and mistakes that leave yourself desperatly wanting to regret, or just soak in anger
because those mistakes will open your eyes more to what exactly your problem is
even if you think you know exactly what makes you such a messed up individual
those problems with become more clear with each and every mistake
and those mistakes will make your progess a little better each time

this makes no sense, but helps justify everything to myself. So okay.

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 03:07:25 GMT

Whats worse new wounds that are horribly painful
Or old wounds that should have healed ages ago
Maybe our old wounds teach us something
They remind us whats within and what we have overcome
They teach us lessons of what to avoid in the future.
that’s what we like to think
But that’s not the way it is, is it
Somethings you just need to learn over and over again
-greys

Dont put the end in fri-end-ship

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 18:03:19 GMT

I dont know if i think there are bad people in this world anymore.
I think that at times people are just so confused of their motives, or what they want, or even get blinded by that huge wall they force themselves to put up that they do things that hurt people. And even if you dont think what you did was so bad, nor have the balls to apologize for it, i dont really think that is what makes you a bad person. I believe we all have some kind of purpose in the world, and we are all here simply to learn. The things we do no matter how good or bad will undoubtedly hurt the people around us, no matter how hard we try not to- or no matter how sure we are that what we are doing is in deed the right thing. I may not be the greatest friend to people, but one thing is for sure- i do value friendship, enough to know what i am doing sometimes when it looks like i am wrong.

Never take friendship personally.

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 22:54:19 GMT

Sigh.
i dont even know where to start.
i have come to realize that if you are not self-centered just a tad in this life, then you are not living. You are living in fear of others. And im sick of that shit. And im sick of other people shit, and other people telling me how they perceive me and how i should change. Well honestly, fuck you. Because i have been through alot. And have had way to many people screw me over in this lifetime that if i come off as a little distant, negative, or scared, its because i have been severly hurt- and i dont feel like explaining this to you.
ugggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
i dont even know where to end.

So this is how you cure my broken heart? oh-okay

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:41:22 GMT

i wish people could write their agenda's on their forehead. I think it would save alot of hearts of alot of people from breaking. Then you would know if someone really liked you, if someone was just using you, or if someone was just leaning on you as their crutch-for their weakness. I mean the more i meet people the more i just dont know what people really want when they get themselves into relationships with others. And it totures the living hell out of me how you can stop "caring" about someone with the snap of your fingers and leave them out to dry, alone, for 3 months and then one day pretned like nothing ever happened. Maybe your kissing my ass because you want me to kiss yours. Not going to lie, i had fun tonight- but was tonight because of the day im supposed to appreciate you thats coming up on tuesday, or was tonight because atlast you realized in your hear that im not as shitty of a person as you once labeled me to be?
sigh, you make this so hard for me. And i wish i could just walk away from our friendship/sisterness.

Shes like whatever.

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 20:42:57 GMT

i refuse to claim myself desperate
and i desperatly refuse to admit
i still have feelings for you.
And better yet, id like to think
those erase marks have scattered
amongst this universe, so big
that my heart has finally healed.

But who am i kidding
its been so long
but not long enough
cause my heart still craves
for yours, undeniablly so
and though i have grown so far
apart from you, i would like to have you back
immediatly.

welcome back

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 03:48:47 GMT

Occassionaly we loose control of our live's. Due to unnatural circumstances, tragic events, or just simply because we forget who we are. I have forgoten. I blame my clock, and the fact that it ticks faster than i can handle. I dont have enough hours in the day to do everything i sign up for and convince myself i can manage. I am not a quiter, i am a stubborn aires who will juggle 87 things until they are over, or until my shoulders fall off. I have grown into a person over the last eight months who not only fears commitment, and change, but who despises the feeling of lonliness. Making friends, really good friends, seems impossible in college and in order to feel that kind of self satisfactory feeling i felt at home i need to constantly be busy. When i am not busy i am just sad. When i am sad i am miserable. And when i am miserable i just seem to forget. I am sorry to those i have hurt of lost control with. I am sorry for forgetting how truly amazing people who were once a huge part of my life are because i have overwhelmed myself to just stay sane. i am sorry.